Wow. So my little break from daily blogging turned into an EPIC LONG BREAK.
I’m suddenly very pregnant. 37 weeks, according to my dating scan. Which makes me full term. This is the longest I’ve ever been pregnant after Aeryn was induced at 36 weeks, so I’m really, really feeling it. I’m waddling everywhere, my ankles are swollen, I can’t bend down to fasten my shoes. I feel so ready to have him, physically. Knowing I could have another 5 weeks left is really hard to come to terms with. It’s very difficult parenting a toddler when your body isn’t co-operative.
Aeryn is growing up way too fast. It’s wonderful and exciting and terrifying at the same time. She’s very excited about her brother, but is also worried. We’ve talked a lot about how some things will change, and others will stay the same, and how it’s okay to be worried and happy and excited and scared all at once. And some days she will love having a brother, and others she won’t like being a sister. But most importantly, how we will always, always love her, even when he’s here.
But, while we can talk about it, until he’s actually here, none of us have any idea how things will really be and she can’t possibly process those feelings completely in advance. Still, we’re sowing the seeds of communication about her emotions and giving her the vocabulary to express the very big and difficult things she’ll go through, and I hope that’s enough.
We’ve been making the most of our time as a three, and also Aeryn and I as a two. We’ve gone to parks and home ed groups and for ice cream (she’s over her dairy allergy at long last!), we’ve played in the rain, played in fountains, made the most of the sunshine.
We’ve also had several days of doing nothing whatsoever. We have so much to sort out before the baby arrives, we’ve had to have some time at home doing stuff. I’ve had a lot of sewing orders to fulfill, too. Aeryn has watched way too much tv some days, because I’m just beyond exhausted and just need time to organise things. I’ve made some parenting compromises I wasn’t expecting. It’s already hard parenting two, and he isn’t even here yet.
But ultimately, we’ve enjoyed these last few weeks together. It’s so, so hard to know that soon everything will be different. Part of me wants to freeze time and never have this baby, so I can just enjoy my daughter growing up.
I’m so scared of how things will change between us when she has to share me, and I can’t always give her as much as I want to. I’m sure most parents feel this way about a second baby, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult.
I love her so much. And I’m sure I’ll love him too, but until he’s here and tangible, it’s hard to imagine loving anyone as much as Aeryn.